Ponderings on a Wednesday

Ok, so let’s just get it out there..
– we used to be in a poly three way “relationship” (of sorts)
– it ended badly with the third (and at the time fiancée and “primary”) of my current fiancée.
– as a result, I am petrified of letting another person (female or male) be that close to me again
– I really want that dynamic again, when it was good it was awesome, but…
– while I know I am content and happy being poly and have the capacity for it, I am still aware I have never properly addressed the way I felt at the time everything went pear shaped (long story)
– this may happen soon as we as a mini-team of awesome have stopped smoking, so possibly more time for reflection
– I struggle to relax properly when we are playing as a consequence; mentally I slip back into being “secondary” (I will use these terms as they are relevant to the way things were sort of structured) and so it becomes about the other person which leaves me feeling like I’m servicing the other party (longggggg story)
– while everything is beyond awesome at the moment, I have a perpetual fear of hatred and being labelled as a whore (longer story) by people who knew me before I was effectively what we will define as “primary”
– I am still in shock that he said yes and as such, I seem to be continually injuring myself with my ring; i.e. cleverly hitting myself in the eye with my engagement ring as I forgot it sticks out from my hand
– although I know I will get told off for being silly; BUT, I don’t feel feminine or glamorous in the same way I did when we were in Aus (again, longer story) but at the same time I don’t feel I need to? (Which makes no sense; yes I am secure and comfortable in our relationship- surely that can’t be why though?)
– I am a little bit intimidated by the fact my fiancée has already written his vows where as I am struggling to make up my mind what things I want to say (so many things but been told it can’t be too long) know it doesn’t make me a bad person and in no way do I question my feelings but seriously? Already?!
– I don’t know the first thing about weddings other than the we get married and kiss part
– if anyone suggests the wedding march to me they will be slapped
– i currently can’t hear properly from one ear and so feel very uncoordinated and clumsy
– I wish life was easier on my fiancée, I love him to pieces but am sad at the lack of play partners for him in NZ, not to mention long running health things and job problems
– although it’s hard, I am oddly still quite content with not having much, I have so much appreciation for what actually matters in life
– I know our time will come and we will have all we want and more, it’s just hard to see that when it feels like the universe is shitting on you.
– I need hugs

3 thoughts on “Ponderings on a Wednesday

  1. I’m sorry for the hurt and confusion you’re going through. I’m rather lost as to what’s actually going on as I do not know who is meant to be primary, secondary, etc and what those titles entail. But either way, big hugs and kisses x

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  2. I resonate with what you say and am thankful for your courage to share so openly like this – God bless you, your relationship life and may he give you great big huge blessings of peace all over, wherever you go!

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  3. You don’t need to know anything much about weddings, as long as you have a wedding licence and a celebrant that will explain to you the way the ceremony goes (there are words that need to be said in some order). After that, it’s YOUR day and YOU do what YOU want.
    Look at us, we got married under the goal posts at the local stadium, because we both love rugby. We both wore a dress and we walked down the aisle to the song from our favourite rugby team. It was pouring rain. We had asked people to bring a plate and we had drinks and nibbles in the change rooms at the stadium. Later we went out for dinner in a restaurant with a private function room, everyone paid for their own meal. It was a lovely day, it was our day.
    My only experience of poly is in the stories I write with my wife but hugs, well, hugs is one thing I can offer you! ;)

    *hugs*

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