Baby steps

This appears to be on my mind as well as on fetlife.. And so it’s going on here so it’s splurged *somewhere*

So. Polyamory. Non-monogamy. Casual sex. Multiple partners. Groups. Theesomes. Gangbangs. It’s all awesome. Most of the time.

Other days I remember the pain and hurt that was there in the last “poly” relationship (I use quotes because it was anything but) and the prospect of being that open with other people, at the moment scares the shit out of me. (Hence why dating is hard- what if I mess everything up with us?)

I want to be that glamorous, sexual creature I used to be, to feel that fizz of electricity running through me, feel my cheeks flush knowing whoever is looking at me sees this sexual, intelligent creature and wants to know me. That person who was confident enough to know she can face the world and then some and still smile at the end of it all. (If anyone sees said person tell her to get her ASS BACK HERE)

I read posts from my old blog and wonder how the fuck I kept going.

sigh.

It’s hard to explain and even harder to say out loud.

Compersion I have worked on to have in buckets but I feel stuck with how I fit into everything (see, hard to explain) and yes frustrating as hell

It makes me deeply thoughtful and contemplative – how can something that I know and enjoy be the same thing that fills me with fear? And how do I fix it?!

And then you add in all the kinky stuff and the mixture just gets interesting

*more sighing*

Baby steps

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